So, i tried to sleep all day today, but that didn't work so well. Apparently you have to be tired to sleep. But that's okay. I'll give staying up all night till 8 in the morning a try. it should be fun. Hey, i did it when i was on E  . So here it goes. I'm truly off...tonite at eight. My first alone vacation with the one peron that makes being alone not so bad. This is it. Really and truly. I love it.

...And.if.i.should.die.tonite.i.know.i.did.it.all.just.right.every.second.every.word.i.even.meant.what.you.just.heard...

Love,

.AShLeY.

 

P.S. Getting in car accidents suck. To many problems. To much paperwork. To much paranioa.

So this is it. tomarrow i leave and there is a lot that goes along with this. first: i'm really nervous. And then: I'm really gunna miss all my peoples like erica-brian-kyle-aaron-dave--even jen and chris. Cuz this is like a test. it will make me see how i'll feel when i come back. will i be glad to be home. cuz if i am, that'll freak me out cuz it will let me know how hard my move to NC is gunna be. But mostly right now...I'm just wondering.. Well, tomarrow i must sleep all day. So... Here i go. gone for three weeks. Peace out.

P.S. I love my grandma. she fixed me a goodie bag for the trip.

And i still miss ya kyle.

This is me:

 

....Goodbye

.Don't forget about me.

 

P.Fuckin.S.S. My sister wrote a journal entry on zanga that broke my heart. i love you taylor. it will be right for u one day. ===> http://www.xanga.com/skin.asp?user=x9party4girl1x

Oh ya and i'm feelin extra post-ish today...so this is my buddy and BF alex    

Tonight was super.... I saw aaron at taco bell and we ran up to him while he was at the drive through and he started yelling at the speaker. and then i saw nick there to. and it felt good to actuallty see so many people from the crew in one night.. Like erica and b-ryan. And there was something in the air until i got home and my mom was fighting with my dad and this escalated of course to my sister fighting with my mom. right now actually. which is so much fun, wanna hang out and watch. hold on my mom is crying. gotta hug her. Things can be so sad sometimes when nobdy is looking. I hate it. and you know who's on my mind right now? Kyle. for some reason i really miss that kid. he's still around, but in a lotta ways i feel like he's completly gone forever. And i really hate some things. and i hate how i worry. i hate how i think people are gunna kill me. and the way that they yell and the way the she thinks she does nothing wrong. I'm still so lonely. it's funny how this entry was intended to be a happy one, but it turned out like this. i think i have problems. not just the melodrantic kind that kind that live in your brain and periodically stab your face from the inside of your skull. I need prozac for sure. my pschologist said that might be the option. And by the way. do i even think anyone is going to read this. i am so pathtic. I need instructions: someone tell me how to feel alive.

.Find me.Save me.

Blink 182: I'm so lost. i'm barely here. i wish i could explain myself but words escape me...  

This is a good day. A fuckin great day. Well. this is the day i've been waiting for. the weather, there is something  in the air. the fall is getting right in my brain. I talked to Nick today for the first time in a long time and even though it was a short talk i felt better about a lot of things. its kinda nice to know that someone does care, and enough to bug me about how i haven't been around. thanks nick. and also. the great trip is coming soon. everything seems to be falling into place and finally maybe. i am happy.

When i was stuck
in the middle of time
things made sense
when my only defense
was smoking weed
and not caring
about the time
or even the day
and i was in one room
surrounded by the world
having plenty of this
and not savoring that kiss
only thinking of the guys
and the girls
who were alive
when the world was dead
sleeping safe in their beds
but having dreams disrupted
by our nonsense
walking through the streets
on nights
with jackets tight
and rocks to throw
we'd fight and never wonder
what they'd say tomarrow
or what day it would be
and what i would say to him
i was a quiet girl
but always so loud
and nothing could stop me
and they were them
my friends
summoning cars for rides
and cigars for blunts
saving and
adding money to the cause
never once pausing
to think
what does this mean
who are we
what will we be
will i know you
in two minutes
or even two years
from now
will i be asking how
why or when
And will you remember the moment
we all came to be
the undefinable time
when nothing had reason
not at all this poetic
no words for ryhme
to think of
to describe
and this all sounds so contrived
but there was a second when it became
and there were no reasons to blame
i swear
we were all just friends
and then something died
and the world bled and cried
we tore ourselves up
until we broke
into pieces of people
that we do not know
People that cannot speak
or even smoke
though some still do
i wouldn't know what's true
or what's fallacy
What a tragedy
it is to know
that i wouldn't know
if i died today
i'm too detatched
my brain has unlatched itself
from the part that makes me think
and i wonder where they went
not their bodies
or their minds
only the times
that just were
in the cars or on the beach
the unspoken words
of the longest speech
that is silent, yet so loud
in my my head
i hope you know
those were the times
those were the things
we were supposed to save
and deep down i hope
we didn't smoke it away
and sometimes i worry
but sometimes i don't
because one day i'll be old
and stuck on a porch
and the heat will be hot
the kind that sizzels
and scorches the brain
till it conjures old thoughts
and i will be alive again

i will remember my friends.

Oh...life is a bitch and all that good shit. But seriouslly. Where is everyone that use to make things good. God dammit. sure theres alex, but a bf can only do so much. And my sister is in silence of the depressives land. I mean. She's so friggin consumed with her self. she thinks she's the only one with problems. In her journal she write about my high anxiety like i'm a psycho. First of all: Let this be known...i hate it when people assume it's so easy to just do. Like it's okay you can drive in that car or drink this much or walk here alone and it will be okay. it's not okay to me. i feel like i'm going to have a panic attack. You know i hate big events. Especially car accidents. Who fuckin doesn't but i'm sayin, so much shit goes along with such a huge milestone. When cassie and i got into the car accident in mattituck we use to joke. we use to talk about the accident was the downfall of it all. And in so many ways car accidents kill people even if they cause no fatalities. Nick, Westchester, Chris O., B-ryan, and Alex were all in the car and we all survived the accident. But no one really lived. I feel like i'm part of some fucked up broken mirror and i have only one shard to myself. And everyone else is scattered far apart and around me. I'm so lonely. Where did every body go. If this is growing up...life after is lonley. And if this is life after...then what is death. I'm so confused and contridicted. But i am what i am and i can only say to those who don't know...Fuck this shit!

Riverhead is full of wangsters and pretentious bitches. I can't wait to leave this piece-o-shit and move on. I'm so sick of all the pretenders.

 

Sitting by the pool at my job. I'm going to copy and paste this entry. But i needed to write and i was in front of my laptop, so isn't that convenient.Everything is kind of comming to an end now. I suppose this is the part where a new year and a new chapter start. I always considered a new year to be the begining of the school year. When summer ends and everything else begins. But this year it's different. I chose not to go back to school. I chose to get a job and get on the way to becoming what i'm supposed to be. And this is weird to me. But i chose it. Atleast i have alex with me. Who has been my partner through this all. And is taking the same road less traveled as myself. But for the first time, i am truly starting to unerstand the way things are supposed to be. I now know why adults are constantly rippign out your eardrums with words about teenagers and 'you don't know how easy you have it'. And of course i didn't know, until now, until i made it hard on myself earlier than nessacary. But i beleive in following your subconcious. The dreams that have you walking around naked in your school. I think that i don't care what people think. To a certain extent. I am quite a hypocrite. But for the most part, i see this as an adventure. I see the vaction with alex comming up as an adventure. I mean. Fuck. We have two maybe three weeeks to ourselves where the rules come from our mouths and the money is ours. ANd well, after that, it's back to work, to save every trivial penny until it becomes part of some greater expense. And then we leave. off to start our lives together as whatever we will be. Two adults forever teenagers maybe. But happy together in an unconvential fairy tale and then we will have our own unique stories to tell. How we fucking did it. We really did, and we did it the way we god damn pleased. So this is it. The page, the chapter i never dreamed of getting to. the part where the story is my own and it's not edited. The curse words aren't replaced by some well meaning adult. It's all me and i think i'm finally growing up.

And i'm very excited about singing Santeria (By sublime of course) for Discord at the Dice show because i'm special. ANd for right now i almost feel happy.

And also i am crazy. I'm going to get pyschoanalized on thursday. My fear of death is apparently a problem. I wonder how they will fix it. Make me live forever.

And i'd also like to kick this thought onto the computer: i miss Westchester, the boy no the town. And i miss all my friends who don't miss me. To the old crew: i'll see you in another life when we're cats, cuz cats stay high forever. Meaning we will be friends forever.

 

This is the end of the begining.

So, i tried to sleep all day today, but that didn't work so well. Apparently you have to be tired to sleep. But that's okay. I'll give staying up all night till 8 in the morning a try. it should be fun. Hey, i did it when i was on E  . So here it goes. I'm truly off...tonite at eight. My first alone vacation with the one peron that makes being alone not so bad. This is it. Really and truly. I love it.

...And.if.i.should.die.tonite.i.know.i.did.it.all.just.right.every.second.every.word.i.even.meant.what.you.just.heard...

Love,

.AShLeY.

 

P.S. Getting in car accidents suck. To many problems. To much paperwork. To much paranioa.

Ever since the accidentnothing has been the same. I feel like my life was taken from me by Nick and he doesn't even seem to care about me anymore. I'm seeing a phycologist on monday to take care of my anxieties about death. if thats  possible. ever since the accident i'm constantly worrying about dying. And fuk. i don't wanna die!

I feel so alone.